three males on a jeepney ride.

I twisted my wrist and checked the time. 10:03 p.m. says the watch. I secretly looked at everybody. I don’t know why. Every passenger exuded an aura of desire to lie in their beds to rest. I sat still with the intrusive light shining just above my face. The only thing keeping me awake is that song whispering from my earphones. I also desire rest. The kid in front of me demanded attention without doing anything. So I tried to watch him move or should I say sit still for a while.

I am not good with guessing age. He looks young enough to be in elementary. And yet, he was like a miniature man. He wore a seemingly oversized pair of pants, a white shirt, and a pair of dirty slippers. A small towel was adorning his shoulder. He didn’t allow his back to relax. He sat with his arms leaning on his legs, with both arms clasping each other. His glance was fixed on the jeepney’s floor, but I caught it inspecting the kid beside me a couple of times. He was serious and detached from his mother. The features of his face tried hard to look innocent, but his eyes were trying to tell a different story. He was tired. I don’t know why.

Beside the kid was a man who brags a huge frame. He is larger than my father, or any average sized father I know. But he wasn’t fat. He looked like as if he just finished jogging or finished a session in the gym. He is brawny. He wore a black shirt, a pair of shorts, and a pair of running shoes. He carries three bags: a big black backpack, a white bag from a grocery, and a red and white striped bag with a variety of things in it. He looks strong. But he didn’t sit still. His head kept on swinging as he slept. I don’t know why.

At the far end of the jeepney was a guy. He was still wearing a uniform. It looks familiar. He looked like he’s from Marist. He carries with him a beige back pack. His hair was the typical two by three slash high school haircut. He was wearing glasses and never kept his cellphone even for a moment. He kept on texting. I saw myself in him. A version of me not too long ago. It felt weird. Should I know why?

the boy abunda technique.

Sa totoo lang, ang entry na ‘to ay isinulat gamit ang English. Pero na-feel ko na hindi parehas ang dating at bigat ng salita kaya eto, Taglish mode muna tayo. Here it goes:

Ganito lang naman ang point ko: Naisip ko lang na kahit gaano katindi ang pagpipigil ng isang tao na hindi maging mayabang, na hindi maging hambog, darating ang panahon na ang konsepto ng lehitimong kapangyarihan at impluwensya ay aabot sa rurok ng pagkasidhi na hindi mo na maiiwasan maging mayabang at hambog kinalaunan.

Kung dati lahat pinapansin mo at ‘di kinakalimutan, ngayon ikaw na ang “leader”, not for the day, but forever. Pwede ka na magdikta kung sino ang pwedeng iwanan, sino ang pwedeng ‘wag kibuin, sino ang pwedeng pagdamutan, sino ang pa-plastikin dahil kailangan mo ngayon, sino ang functional, sino ang hindi. And take note, ang basis and standard of everything that needs to be assessed ay ikaw at ikaw lamang – wala ng iba, period, no erase.

And to make things worse, merong mga tao na nakapaligid sayo na walang humpay ang pag-ihip sa ulo mo para lumaki at lumobo. Napapaligiran ka ng mga taong akala mo kung sinong garapata na nakiki-angkas sa balahibo at balat mo, pero malaman-laman mo nalang, sinisip-sip na pala ang dugo mo – leading you to your fatal death. Pero eto ang catch, ang moment of epiphany ay halos parating nasa huli.

Kaya nga dapat lahat ng tao kilala ang sarili nila kung kaya ba nila magpigil. Kung sa pagkain lang, ‘di mo na kaya, anong assurance mo na sa abstract concepts of power and influence kaya mo magtimpi? Alam ko na pwede kang makipagtalo na since abstract s’ya, then dapat mas acceptable ang pagiging uncontrollable nito, but then again, wish ko lang gets mo yung point ko.

Lahat dapat merong self-assessment period everyday. Kahit gasgas na ang konsepto ng reflection and meditation, eh kung yun lang ang paraan kung paano mo maiiwasan ang pagiging hambog at mayabang, then why not? Friend, eto ang salamin, sino ang nakikita mo? Ikaw pa ba yan?

the birthday post: late edition.

This is really, as in really, really late. But still, I’d like to thank everybody who remembered – from my high school friends, to some of my orgmates in Debsoc, to Epistaxis, to my college friends, down to my friends who just happened to be my friends. Your greetings were the only things that made my birthday feel like a birthday. And for that, thank you, thank you very much.

I’d also like to say sorry if I thanked you hours after, and even days after you greeted me, especially to those who greeted me online. That was because I wasn’t able to check your messages for the past few days. My sister and my mom celebrate their birthday days before and after mine, so I wasn’t able to find time. Plus, all of the academic stuff that I had to fulfill in between.

I’d also like to say sorry to those who were supposed to party in my house. I had to fulfill other responsibilities. And inasmuch as I wanted to get wasted, I can’t. I already explained why, and even if you still barrage me with all of the bad things y’all say to make me feel guilty, I know you love me enough to understand. Right? I don’t know how to make it up to you guys except for receiving my prayers that you will all be well and blessed forever and ever.

Again to all, thank you very much and sorry. You are all loved!

***

February 19: This was a hectic day. I was sleepless because we had to cram a report on the Language of Advertising at Joy’s place. Then, I had a workshop for my Nonfiction class, which by the way, most of the comments confused me. Then, there was the interclass Sociology debate that I voluntarily adjudicated with some Debsoc members (one of the few things that made me feel good that day, don’t know why). Then, there was the class where I had to be alert and well read because the professor has the habit of surprising students with questions and quizzes. And there was the class where I had to be alert because the professor doesn’t know anything but to say and ask, “You, Mr. Siapno. What can you say about [insert topic]?”

All of these, happened from the night before (which is not even February 19) to 4 pm straight, hardcore, nonstop. So I had people saying, “Happy Birthday, Marc! Ba’t ang haggard mo?” And people texting me their greetings, who I felt, felt ignored in a way. Again, sorry.

After class, I went out with some friends. Two of them went shopping for scrapbook materials – Ara and Annel. And I was with Ronn who had some pictures printed. I didn’t treat any of them. I just went out for the sake of going out. God knows how sleepy I was the whole time. I even had my huge, heavy bag with me, plus the books for the report all the time, until I realized that I can leave everything at the baggage counter. I didn’t do anything else but to be with them and at times, window shop. So good thing I had people greeting me the whole day because that constantly reminded me that it was my birthday, and I had to appear happy for the people around.

Of course, some just deserves a paragraph to be thanked for their effort that day. For remembering like nobody, for being unexpected, for making me realize that even at the littlest fraction, you still care, for that simple gesture that was extraordinary even how ordinary it appears, thank you very much. I really appreciated it.

***

It’ll be school for me again tomorrow. Hope the week ahead will be fine. Much love everyone!

flirting or not?

A classmate from another college, who seems to be always around wherever you are, always greets you and asks if you’re done with a requirement and even asks if you’re coming to class, is flirting or not?

A guy in a nursing uniform sits beside you in a jeepney, even if a more comfortable space is available on the other side, and keeps on leaning even if the driver didn’t hit the brakes abrupt enough to lose balance, is flirting or not?

A girl/guy across the CAL atrium, who is also part of larger group, keeps on looking even if s/he is doing something and/or talking to a friend; also gives you a final glance when s/he decides to leave for class or I don’t know what, is flirting or not?

The group in a coffee shop who traces your path, and follows you wherever you go through sight, then shares whispers, is flirting or not?

A guy in bar who throws a quick glance once and gets lost in the crowd, is again seen in a different spot and then throws another glance, but then again gets lost in the crowd, is flirting or not?

A girl who studies in another university allows her hair to be blown to your face, is flirting or not?

A person who always texts you with your name in the message, proving that it's personal, not a GM, in the morning, in the afternoon, and before sleeping, is flirting or not?

The person, who asks if you’re still a virgin, is flirting or not?

The mysterious cellphone number who texts once in a while, sometimes asking if you’re still up, is flirting or not?

The friend, who always insists on paying your fare whenever you chance upon each other, is flirting or not?

The person who takes time to stare whenever you cross against each other in AS, in FC, or in CAL, is flirting or not?

Me, noticing all of this, is flirting back or not?

why valentine's is synonymous to death.

Case in point number 1: Loverage 3 which was like the event you should have attended if you expected anarchy caused by the black, filthy fellows in tight pants, patched vests, and costume-like clothes, we call the JJs, at its best. You should have attended it if you had plans on being spilt with beer compliments of a flying can from the group of drunken guys in front of the line. You should have attended it if you find the parade of victims –with head bleeding, wrapped in bandages and all – taken out from the fair grounds one by one, amusing. You should have attended it if you had plans of standing for roughly 4 hours just to hear 3 songs from Bamboo and then call it a night. You should have attended it if you were expecting a romantic fireworks display, while the Enchanted Kingdom theme song was playing on the background. And finally, you should have attended it just to share this moment of epiphany that I’m having now. Looking back, it seemed unworthy of all the shit. Condemn the chaotic nature of the JJs.

Case in point number 2: If you have a debate tournament the next day, with a call time of 8 am, and a venue located at the other end of your world, never go home by 4 am. If you still choose to sleep, be sure not to overdo it. If you choose to force yourself into trains, be sure that the alighting passengers are not strong enough to endanger your life. Read: body between the train’s closing doors. Remember that the LRT line with the Doroteo Jose and Pedro Gil station is the deadliest of all because of the creaky, overused trains and some barbaric people who can’t even show the slightest concern for the guy who was running late. Mental note: LRT = trains of death.

Case in point number 3: You are only human, sleep is necessary. Sir Maximo already warned the class about the death of your brain cells when you skip sleep, you should have listened. If you choose to be stupid, don’t ask questions about the things that seems “trivial” to the one whose level of intelligence (and did I mention ego?) is way above the Earth’s atmosphere. You were instantly judged when you asked. You should have chosen death instead.

Case in point number 4: Don’t go to places or even attend events, fooling yourself that there is a negative one percent that that person will come. Don’t act as if you don’t realize that that person is not there. Don’t act as if it was just cosmic coincidence. Control, do not text. It will be too obvious. Avoid self-judgment of being a cheapo. You should have died in the train.

Case in point number 5: To eat is to live. More money, more food. More food, more life. More life, more love. Chos.

***

Valentine’s Day was tiring. It was one of the busiest days I ever had. I had fun. I spent it with good friends. After, I needed all the sleep I could get – making the next day very, very unproductive.

sa isang munting harana para sa akin?

Sa lahat ng nakakita sa akin sa corridor ng AS, hindi kayo nililinlang ng mga mata n'yo. Hinarana ako ng mga tao mula sa UP Circle of Entrepreneurs dahil sa request ni Anonymous. Thanks Anonymous, you're the best! I was able to record it, pero yung last 30 seconds nalang. I feel loved.

PIDC 2009 early bird promo.

message for the day.

tumutula ng wala.

Paumanhin kung ang salita na
uusbong mula sa mga
titik na naglalaro dito ay 'di
akma sa batayan mo
ng kung ano ang matino at kung ano ang
garapal na panitikan.

Isipin mo nalang bahagi ka
ng isang proseso na nawa
ay maintindihan pagdating mo sa puntong ito.

Madali bang malaman ang mensaheng nakaukit?
o kailangan pang basahin ang unang letra ng bawat linya?

sa totoo lang.

Sa totoo lang, hirap na hirap na ako. Hindi ko na alam ang susunod na titik na ilalapat sa bakanteng espasyo sa harap ng mga mata ko, sa kung anong saliw ng mga tiklado ng titik iimbay ang mga daliri upang ang diwa ay magkaroon ng buhay. Pagkatapos nito, ano na? Isang imbentong diwa na lilikha ng kasinungalingan upang masaid ang pagnanais mong humugot ng saysay sa panitikang ito?

Sa totoo lang, hirap na hirap na ako. Hindi ko na alam kung saan huhugot ng emosyon upang iakma ang panitikan na nabuo mula sa ibang estado ng diwa, ibang estado ng emosyon, ibang-ibang iba.

Sa totoo lang, hirap na hirap na ako. Hindi ko na alam kung paano makakamit ang pinakaaasam na ligaya mula sa panitikan na pilit kong hinuhubog gamit ang alaala mong pilit kong linilimot at pilit kong tinatandaan.

Sa totoo lang, hirap na hirap na ako. Hindi dahil sa’yo. Aba, putang ina mo kung hanggang ngayon yun ang iniisip mo. Pero, putang ina mo pa rin kasi ikaw ang sanhi ng lahat na ‘to.

Putang ina. Sa totoo lang, hirap na hirap na ako. Bow.

ku mowt.

Masaya ako dahil meron akong bagong kumot. Hindi man siya ganun kaganda, pero nandun siya nung nilalamig ako ng sobra-sobra. Hindi man siya ganun kakapal tulad nung luma, inialay pa rin niya ang sarili niya kahit alam n’yang hindi niya ako kayang panatiliing kumportable buong gabi.

Ang importante sa akin, nandun siya nung nangailangan ako. ‘Di tulad nung luma kong kumot, minahal ko ngunit nawala nalang ng bigla. Nakalimutan yata niya na kumot siya at hindi bula.

Kung meron man akong ikinalulungkot, eh yun yung katotohanan na hindi pa sa akin nang tuluyan yung kumot ko ngayon. Bago dahil bago ko itong ginagamit. Pero hanggang hindi ito ipinagkakaloob sa akin ng tuluyan, darating ang panahon na kukunin din ‘to, aalis at lilisan – isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ko ito kayang mahalin ng tuluyan. Pero masaya ako dahil meron akong kumot sa ngayon. Basta, iyon ang mahalaga.

today is friday.

I just want to say that today was the push, or more of like the kick, that I needed to pump my happiness level up. Good food at Bigoli, fun moments at Timezone, laugh trips in TriNoma, good coffee at Starbucks, talks inside cars, and so much more. I don’t need to name names because you know how things work in this society. I just want to say that I’m happy, and that’s the bulk of the things that you need to know. And oh, thanks.

naisip ko lang.

Kahit gaano mo pa pagnasaan 'yang sapatos sa harap mo, eh kung size 6 lang yan at size 10 ka, hindi tugma.

Kahit pa pagnasaan din ng sapatos 'yang paa mo, wala ka nang magagawa, hindi kasi tugma.

Dahil kung mapilit mo mang suotin yan, dadating ang panahon na isa sa inyo ang susuko - kung hindi yung sapatos ang bibigay at masisira, ikaw na mismo ang aalis dahil sobrang liit, sobrang sikip, sobrang 'di tugma.

jumping realities.

Writing was never a way to ease your mind. The act itself is disturbance of the things that wants to be left alone. Remembering things, people, emotions, and all of the things that come with all of these shakes settled memories. It won’t ease the mind.

I woke up today. Thinking about. You, again. I hated it. Because I can’t. Answer why, again. God, this is torture. When will this stop?

Hit the pause button. Let’s stop first and continue when I can.

There was a time that my phone never stopped receiving messages. I loved how it trivializes the effort of those who remembers you. Now, I hate how every message received bears a silent wish for it to be you, again.

Everyday I pray to gain whatever was lost. Not for us, but for my own sake. Amen.

Emphasis on the urge to be processed. Be refined. Control.

These are the people who are in my mind today: Nicole, Kris, Tyron, Lean, Kath and Jeremy, Nicole, Jacques, Fred, Bea, Mae and her ex-boyfriend, Carmina, Joseph, Albert, Nicole, Bea, Ronn, Somebody, Nicole, Kris, Somebody, Rois, Albert, Nicole, Somebody, Nicole, Somebody, Nicole, Somebody, the other Ronn, Nicole, Somebody, the other Ronn, Bea, Nicole, Somebody and Marc, Nicole with Marc, and Marc who is alone.

I’ve been asking questions. I’ve been getting more questions every answer. I’ve been getting nothing but disturbance. Should I stop asking instead?

I think I need a new pair of slippers to walk and move somewhere else.

People should be sensitive enough to understand that everything that they do will affect other people beyond what is expected every stare that slips like a cut every bite on one’s lips every word of admiration every finger that brushes through one’s arm every cheek to cheek connection every hug every arm clutched on one’s back every air shared every people should be sensitive enough to understand.

I need an entity to guide me through this labyrinth. The labyrinth is somebody’s mind.

If one day you’ll hear that I died prematurely and people are disturbed why. Tell them this: all he was asking is for you to understand. But unless it’s suicide, remember to hush.

In an effort for zaniness that turned out to be zilch.

February starts today. That means, January ended tomorrow and I'll be forced to be happy, again.

Conversations are made to ease the mind. The act itself is also a disturbance of the things that wants to be left alone. But it requires trust that the hearer is the entity that you need.

Gaps, holes, bowls, pores, hollow, space, empty, marc. All of these words denote something unoccupied, which can either be filled or left alone.People think I’m sad. But in reality, I’m just not happy.

Are you also in search for your own entity?