things that I don't like.

I don’t shaming. I don’t like arrogance-motivated shaming more. In the same way that I don’t like what you’re turning into – arrogant.

I don’t like candidates – both rich and poor. But I don’t like “poor” candidates more, especially if they’re color orange. But I don’t “rich” candidates as well, especially if they’re changing their color now that they’re candidates.

I don’t like noise, especially if they’re coming from arrogant candidates. Get elected first. But even if you get elected, I’ll still probably hate you, since your turning arrogant and you like shaming.

I don’t like any kind of culture that involves (a) pretension (b) hate (c) insensitivity (d) pretension (e) great self-serving interests (f) arrogance (g) non-sense issues (h) creatively crafted non-sense issues (I) pretension (j) aggressive pretension (k?)

I don’t like people with attention deficiency, especially if it’s intended and it’s not supposed to happen.

I don’t like classmates who crumple their faces like they know any better. It really, really, really pisses me off and that makes me want to bring you down.

I don’t like the concept of “x”, especially if it used to denote something unknown. Like in Math, where “x” is any real numb-er. Or in life, where “ex” is anyone who is part of the past.

I don’t like going back because I always liked moving forward. The past causes so much delay. But I like looking back because it makes moving forward easier. There’s a difference.

I don’t like to talk especially if I don’t see the point in talking. But if you like to talk, then maybe we can talk (when I want to talk).

I don’t like compromises because I don’t get the bulk of the things that I want. But if it is the only way we get to a common point, then maybe I like compromises. In that way, I still get what I really want.

I don’t like slackers. Period.

I don’t like working hard and not getting anything for it.

I don’t like ungratefulness.

I don’t like being a mere footnote to a text that I authored. Figure how that happened.

I don’t like those who are contented with the bare minimum. In short, I don’t like uncompetitive people.

I don’t like being laughed at, especially if I’m serious. When did I ever turn into a walking joke?

an apology for birthdays/thank you note.

As expected, the 19th of February left me feeling bleh. I always hated the feeling of imposed happiness. And I have to say sorry if I didn’t burst out of so much joy yesterday. Because as jaded as it sounds, I’ve always believed that birthday celebrations are for the illusioned.

I hate how modernity diverted gratefulness away from the basics. Everyday we wake up, get out of our beds, do the things we are expected of, go home tired (and hungry), and sleep (even if one is still hungry). The next day, we do everything all over again without even realizing that that’s something to be grateful for.

Some people wake up, do the things that they’re expected of, go home tired, and on their way home they die due to some cosmic fuck up. For us, we get the chance to do everything all over again. We get another day to correct mistakes, to be better, or be someone new. And that’s something to be grateful for.

In this case, birthdays are nothing but ordinary days.

February 19 is just a day to mark another year of existence. It just means that probably I was strong enough to get it through 12 months to reach yesterday. It could also mean that I was lucky enough to be spared from anything that could have killed me. Or, it could also mean that my Creator still believes in my utility and that I need to continue doing the things that I do – for Him and for others. It could be a plethora of reasons.

That is why while I believe that February 19, or any birthday for that matter, is something to be grateful for, I also believe that we should stop over-glorifying it. But yes, I still value what this date does to other people, the feelings they reap from it – may it be disgust, hate, anger, excitement, or even joy.

I just think that happiness should be natural. It shouldn’t be dictated by any date or any circumstance. It will happen in its own time. In retrospect, there are days before the 19th when I was happier. I value those days more because no one made me feel that I needed to be happy. It just happened and that’s the brand of happiness that I’m more thankful for.

Yet, there are those like the girls of the STC debate team. To Sab, Bea, Roch, Pam, Micah (?), Chiara, Miyuki-belles, and to the rest, thank you. And if it’s really true that the mall played that birthday song for me, I really, really THANK YOU. I still don't know what I did to deserve all of it, but girls, you rock! I appreciated everything.

To Trix, Nica, Mikee, Tina, Chaysea, Migs, Ayze, and Pearl, thank you too. Remember that we need to love and understand each other because that’s what friends do. Char.

To my beloved Epistaxis, you know who you are, thank you.

Kath and Lean, salamat.

To rest of those who remembered, stay awesome. I love y’all.

And to those who forgot, it’s okay – just rot in hell. Kidding. LOLerz.

buhay pa kasi ako.

It’s been sooo long since I’ve written something for this space. The writing process proved itself to be an elitist activity – it demands too much attention, it asks for too much thinking, it involves a lot of time. Time: something that I’ve lost control of.

All I know is that I’m moving forward. I have to.

The end,

gets?

And then I remembered I have (had?) a blog.

If you need an update: I’ve gained weight. I got really fat that my heart learned tricks on its own. Sometimes, a sudden twitch then followed by a deep pain. Sometimes, it’s the act of the disappearing heartbeat. Both of which involves personal physical violence through punches to the chest to keep me alive.

One time, me and friend had to attend an org’s party after jogging around the campus. I had to change clothes with him around – from sweaty and fat-filled clothes to fresh and fat-filled clothes. That friend thought I was wearing a bold printed shirt underneath. “A girdle of some sort for the body?” he asked. I told him, “you’re looking at my skin and if your human anatomy is failing you right now, that’s my chest.” I'm pretty bruised up.

I’ve been also in and out of relationships. Yes, some with humans. But I also explored the wonders of having relationships with elementals, with fairies and dwarves, with inanimate objects like the soil in Will’s garden, my classmate Jeff’s red eraser, and with the pebble that got stuck on my sneaker. I lost track of the other things. I mean, my past relationships.

To date, I also now have 7 tattoos on my body. (I counted my left and right eyebrow separately.) The last one I got was a rainbow tattoo that crosses through the nape with ends resting on my shoulders. That one was dedicated to the cloud I just broke up with. I told it, “I’m sorry, but I just got tired of looking up.”

If you were texting me in the past days, weeks, and months, and I haven’t been replying, that’s probably because I changed my cellphone number too. I got a new phone. I can’t really see its brand. The phone’s name is etched on the lower part. My new cheeks and chunky eyelids prevent me from reading it. I just bought this phone because the keypad is big enough for my fingers.

But I’m sorry. I have to stop here. I’m already panting. This is already above 300 words, exactly 363 by the end of this sentence.

I know I can get fit and healthy again ‘cause, lately, I’ve been running on your mind.

If you still don't get it, just go away.

where have i been?

I’ve been hanging out at Lyceum last week for a different kind of love. I debated as a swing for the 11th National Debating Championship. Sabi nila, kami daw ang nagpauso ng konsepto ng “competitive swinging”. That would probably be my first and last so might as well make it good, I thought. And yes, I had fun. Thanks to Jonjon, Jowee, Joel, Norman, and Daryl Isla.

To be fair, I have stories of my own. Most of which I have decided to keep to myself and among closest of close friends. And also, with UP Diliman bringing home the championship trophy, let’s just say I really had fun. Congrats to the UP Debate Society!

***

Sabi ko nga sa isang anonymous friend, “para kang nag-iinvest sa isang bato nang may ipupukpok ka sa sarili mong ulo.”

***

My “official” sembreak just started. So lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with my bed and with the dining table. Kain-tulog mode. I just feel so lazy.

This is also the perfect time to catch up on missed Glee episodes. But my computer’s memory is too cramped that it prevents me to download. I stream episodes instead which, of course, would require more patience. But for the love of Glee, go lang ng go.

***

I hate Santi the typhoon. It felt like a huge joke. I want to take it seriously. But come on! They hoisted a storm signal no. 3, there were episodic brownouts, but almost no rain. That’s called paranoia. Not good.

***

After November 2, I’ll be back in UP to probably fix things for my last, I repeat, last semester. Being the emo person that I am, the feeling’s getting harder to handle everyday. I don’t want to leave, especially that there are a lot of special people that I’ll be leaving behind. Eto nalang, putangina. Ganun s’ya katindi ngayon. Kaya ang hirap magmahal eh. It just makes everything so complicated, and yet you know without the complication, everything is too pale and bland, so you’ll end up craving for it even if it hurts. CHOS and throw in some confetti.

***

Maybe (I just hate that word) it’ll be harder for me to squeeze in some time to write entries in the future, so I decided to create a Twitter account. Follow me folks: http://twitter.com/mcsiapno.