lately...

I’ve been sleeping a lot – trying to devise ways to prevent memory from coming back. And because I tend to sleep all day, I end up being wide awake in the wee hours of the morning. There are those nights that I just can’t fall back into sleep, so I developed the habit of keeping a pad and pen beside my bed ready. From the faint ray of the night lamp, I’d sit up and would try to write doodles and words and phrases and sentences and then paragraphs or stanzas even. I would weave words and try to channel out negativity. I end up having fake journal entries, including bitter sounding poems in Filipino and English that reminds me of Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath. To my advantage, at least it prepares me for my poetry class next year. It bothers me though that those poems rendered in Filipino sounds bitterer (or is it more bitter?) – making me sound more pathetic knowing that Christmas is just hours away. Kebs.

When writing fails to put me back to sleep, I’d grab a book and would read under the light that comes from the end of a lighter. It’s a lighter with a flash light. I bought it because it’s cool in its own right. And because I’m inherently lazy when it comes to reading texts unless it’s my own, it fails. Roosters are already crowing and yet my eyes won’t shut.

If that happens, I’d get out of bed and would go out. I’d sneak out of the house and would bribe Chilo not to bark. I’d walk around the subdivision and sometimes even run. I’d pretend that I’m a fitness buff trying to jog before sunrise. Neighborhood dogs don’t bark that much. I wonder why. I’d sneak back into the house and would bury myself in pillows after pillows then would finish the pile with my blanket. Sometimes it works, sometimes.

I’d be surprise if I fell asleep and would wake up around six in the morning. I would hear my parents talking. Mag-kape ka muna, Papa would say. And mom would give out her generic answer, Tara na. Late na ako – with matching sounds that would replicate African clicks. Then I’d fall back into sleep.

I’d wake up again because Michael and Mariel would be both awake. It’s either they would watch a film with massive explosions on the background, volume turned high for full effect, or would flaunt their playlist of growling and screaming bands talking about lost love. A song would go: that’s what you get for letting your heart win oh ohh ohhh ohhh, then a few more stanzas then growls and screams. Michael would be accommodating. He’d play his guitar, which I have told him before is utterly out of tune. He got mad for that. I’d be forced to get out of bed and surprise, surprise it’s already lunch time. Of course, I’d eat my lunch alone.

I’d sit on the couch and would feel the gravitational force pulling down my head, then neck, then my back. Poof! I was lying again and would fall asleep. There was a time that I woke up just to realize that Michael and Mariel left the house and forgot to turn on the lights. Perhaps they were assuming that I’d wake up before night time. My leg brushed against the cactus that was a souvenir from the UPDS homecoming and didn’t mind the pain. It was nothing compared to what I was having. I checked the spike after waking up and decided to pull it because it’s a bit annoying.

If I’m not sleeping, I’d also play Monopoly with virtual friends who reside in the motherboard. I won once. That was after being able to buy all the properties on the other side of the board, including Water Works, B. & O. Railroad, and Marvin Gardens! Losing by bankruptcy is depressing.

I’d also go out once in a while, traversing malls and halls. I’d watch people in coffee shops and restaurants. Where people would fake their sosyal-ness and would speak in English with troubled verbs and tenses, grammar included. Some would exhibit fancy suprasegmentals – pitch, tone, intonation, whatever.

I watched The Day the Earth Stood Still alone, featuring the seeming botox-ed face of Keanu Reeves. It was a stupid movie and that’s subjective. I bet environmentalists would love it. Bolt, on the other hand, is nice. Go watch it! I’d go home penniless.

Sometimes, I’d think about the pieces that I have to write for school and would break the thought immediately. I’d tell myself that I’m on vacation.

Special shoutout to Fred, who never fails to forward quotes on love, losing it and moving on. I forgive him. Thanks to Kath for talking to me the other night. Thanks to Lean for sending me this inspirational message: n_n. Joseph Alfonso from Oregon is back. That translates to a potentially kick-ass partey before this year ends. To Ara, who just bought a hundred peso worth of IDD credit for nothing. To Alyssa, who was complaining on how Jericho Rosales played in Pilipinas Game knb? To Ronn, who forwards quotes on bees and aerodynamics, quotes from F.Sionil Jose, from Holly Golightly, Oscar Wilde, and so on. To Ericka, who gave the latest samochi that ABS-CBN JUST BOUGHT THE RIGHTS TO TURN TWILIGHT INTO A MINI-SERIES. IT COSTS MORE THAN A MILLION DOLLARS DAW. RAYVER CRUZ WILL PLAY EDWARD AND SHAINA AS BELLA. Wazzup?!

I was feeling good the other night, so I did a Christmas wish list. It includes a lot of things, namely: skater boy cap (not necessarily a net cap; in gray, black, red, or white), a new pair of sunglasses on black frame, a new set of immaculately white shirts, 3 long sleeves (in red, white, and black), a full printed shirt (read: Penshoppe), also a set of plain shirts in all colors, a black pair of skinny jeans, a tailored slacks, more denims, a pair of black slippers (decent enough to be worn in public places), a new pair of white sneakers, a pair of running shoes, a pair of RED LOAFERS, a 3g phone to try Red Mobile, a nifty media player (not necessarily iPod), a laptop equipped with tons and tons of memory, a DSLR camera, and maybe a pair of contacts.

Thanks to Chel, I am also trying to learn a new choreo by G-Force, in tune of Forget About Me by Little Bit. Lyrical Jazz, oh yeah. After this, I want to learn a Street routine ala UP Streetdance. Wololong.

Currently addicted to Hershey’s & More Choco Mallow Pie. You have to try it. Seriously. You’ll love it.

I just checked my Frienster account and a certain person is inviting me to be part of Friendster group. And it’s for HRM students. Yessss, talk about retrograding memories. ROFL.

By some stroke of luck, Gia and me started texting again. After eons and eons, we shall meet each other again soon. I’m expecting skin deep pinches. I miss you, G!

I’ve been singing a lot. Thanks to practice, I can already reach No matter how hard it is, I’ll be fine without you. Yes I will . It’s attainable, right? Naman.

Lately, I’ve been doing nonsense stuff, something to keep me busy while waiting for things to start, things to end, things to continue. I want to make new friends. I want to have a new friend whose name starts with J. I don’t know, maybe another Jeff. I want to have a friend whose name starts with K, maybe another Karl or even Kurt. I want to have a friend whose name starts with T, maybe a Tim. Maybe another Marc or Mark or Marko. Or maybe, an E. I remember Elizabeth from the Lantern Parade (Patrick, Annel you should be able to get this one). I want another friend whose name starts with Y, like Yu (Hi Yu or Epi! I don’t know what to call you!) But I’d like to call him Cinnamon because it’s cool that way.

Lately, I’ve been trying to put myself back on track, trying to harbor back positive vibes. I’m doing a good job. Pat on the back. I think I’m better now. Just trying to put my spirit up because there’s no point in grieving. I have decided to be your boyfriend ON RESERVE. Grin. Pathetically funny.

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Have a gastronomic Noche Buena! Merry Christmas, everyone. That’s a greeting oozing with love.

Text me people! I’d love to hear how y’all doing.

I love you all.

Cheers!