sorry.

I woke up at around 12 pm because I can’t force myself back to sleep anymore. I went out of the room, sat on the sofa, and stared blankly at the floor. My mom saw me and asked what’s wrong. Maybe she heard me cry last night. And I wish I knew why I cried last night. Sabi ko pa naman kay Ferds na parang ang corny umiyak mag-isa, parang episode before suicide – walang ibang tao para i-comfort ka, ikaw at ikaw lang talaga.

Sa totoo lang, sobrang gulo ng mundo ko ngayon. From manageable to chaotic in one night. I really find it hard to fix everything lately. Maybe I did things to offend people. How I wish they’d just understand me right now. I have grown paranoid, and extra sensitive. And it’s not helping.

I’ve been thinking about so many things lately. That includes death. I trust myself that I won’t do it. I didn’t even want to mention this here. I don’t want sympathy. But I feel the more I hold things back for myself, the harder for me to handle myself. I need to breathe.

You just don’t have the idea how weird it feels to look at the ceiling and think of hanging yourself, to remember that you can hang yourself and die sitting, to take a late night bath and feel like you’re preparing for something, to want to cry but you just can’t do it, to remember how to be strong.

I’m not writing for show. I just want people to understand that I’m just human. I commit mistakes. I always try to be happy. I get frustrated. I get tired. And I understand that I can’t ask the world to be gentle.

I’m not dying soon. Or at least, I wish. I took chances, got overwhelmed with uncertainties, it bumped me off track. I’m on the process of reverting, stay with me, people. Stay with me.