Wednesday, June 17, 2009

first day and mikee's day.

Rain isn’t really good for the first day of classes. It just makes everything wet and slippery. Instead of being able to roam around the University, run across the fields, and smell the fresh air of independence, you’ll end up under your umbrellas, cold, and if you’re lucky enough, wet under the rain because you forgot your rain gear.

Most of the UP freshies are now different. They weren’t the freshies that we were or the freshies that were before us. They put the CHA in chaka, especially that most them bring their moms, and even yayas around. They put the PA in pathetic, when they can’t even ask for themselves and would rather get lost looking for classes in the Faculty Center. They put the E in ewww because they would rather talk about their new phones, new condos, new cars, instead of, I don’t know, fostering great, lasting friendships. And yes, this is a hasty generalization. In any case, I still believe in them. Much more that they have the financial capital that will enable them to do so many things and embody what UP education stands for.

On a gloomier note, I enjoyed my first day today, not because it was perfect, but because I have learned to love the imperfections of the day. WTF.

Hindi ko lang talaga kinaya yung may seat plan sa auditorium. It was, at best, challenging and life changing. You’re forced to sit beside two random persons who, for the most part, are capable of nothing but awkwardness. Buti nalang groupmate ko si Jovan.

Today, I also skipped a class for the weirdest reason – I forgot I had a class. I don’t know how to explain it to the professor next meeting. But she can always check the time stamp on my Form 5 to prove that I did use the time enroll and not to flutter around looking for freshies with potential.

And also maybe because I wasn’t myself today, I just happened to have lost money. Money, which by the way, is very scarce lately. Sabi ko nga kanina, ‘Wala na nga akong pera, mawawalan pa ako ng pera.’ Pero sabi ko rin, ‘Kung wala na akong pera, bakit nawalan pa ako? Ibig sabihin, may pera pa ako, konti nga lang, sobra.’ I need to get a job.

Finally, just before I went home, Chel noticed that my left eye was swelling a bit. This eye swelling phenomenon has been happening since the summer of my first year. It has happened every summer then. I didn’t notice that it didn’t happen last summer because it didn’t. Apparently, it just got delayed. Hello, unwanted protrusion!

Anna O is also back in UP. It makes me happy ‘cause we’re now louder. I think this is going to be a great year with most of my friends around. So much for my first day. I’ll see you tomorrow.

P.S. Today is tomorrow because I just technically crossed a day. That means, it’s Mikee’s birthday today. Happy Birthday, Mikee! I wanted to post a photo, but you may not want the exposure and the attention that comes after. Cheers!

Monday, June 15, 2009

kinikilig ako, ayeee.

Moment 1: Today I was supposed to hear the 6:30 pm Mass in a nearby church. But I got too happy watching vids and playing Internet games. I turned off the computer at exactly 6:30 and told myself that it’s okay to be 15 minutes late. When I finished dressing up, it’s already 7.

Moment 2: I aimed for the 7 pm Mass. I told myself that it’s okay to be 15 minutes late. I rode a jeep to church no. 2 and paid 20 pesos. I was expecting a 13 peso change, but the driver told me to wait for it. When the church was just around the corner, I asked for the change, but he was snubbing me. So, I raised my voice. He asked for 2 pesos, I was then expecting a 15 peso change. I pulled the string to make the jeep stop, grabbed my change, and jumped off the jeep. I opened my hand and got 5 freaking pesos.

Moment 3: I easily get dizzy when I stand too long. Guess who fainted during his grade school graduation because his fellow graduates, and their parents, were so in the zone marching?! Ehem. Anyways, because I was late for the Mass, I had to stand at the back of the church. I thought I was strong. I expected to finish the Mass strong. But I got dizzy towards the end. Read: hazy eyesight, hot ears, and weak knees. Good thing I found an extra space where I can kneel. I faked praying, and told myself to breath, you are strong. Then, I opened my eyes and found a vacant seat. I took the seat and hoped to be fine to receive the communion. When I thought I was okay. I walked towards the lay minister. And that’s when he turned his back and went back to the altar. Oh yeah!

Moment 4: Today is the Feast of Corpus Christi (Latin, Body of Christ). I didn’t understand the homily because the priest was old and gibberish. And out of everything that seemed like a rant, this was the only one that made sense: “When you give everything to a person, you expect to be given everything back. But as Christians, we should be selfless like our Lord Jesus Christ.” I was like, “Oh yes, father! Let’s talk about giving everything, and being selfless.”

Moment 5: Mama and Papa were watching a feature on Manila Ocean Park earlier. Obviously, they were showing swimming fishes. I don’t know what my father saw, but I heard him protest, “Oh! Ginagataan yan ah!” I wonder what fish that was. Kinunot na pagi? O kinunot na pating?

Moment 6: My new play list includes, ‘I Don’t Trust Myself (With Loving You)’, but I think ‘1234’, so please ‘Give Me a Chance’, because I want you to be my ‘Everything’. FTW!

That’s all folks! I’m back!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

sorry.

I woke up at around 12 pm because I can’t force myself back to sleep anymore. I went out of the room, sat on the sofa, and stared blankly at the floor. My mom saw me and asked what’s wrong. Maybe she heard me cry last night. And I wish I knew why I cried last night. Sabi ko pa naman kay Ferds na parang ang corny umiyak mag-isa, parang episode before suicide – walang ibang tao para i-comfort ka, ikaw at ikaw lang talaga.

Sa totoo lang, sobrang gulo ng mundo ko ngayon. From manageable to chaotic in one night. I really find it hard to fix everything lately. Maybe I did things to offend people. How I wish they’d just understand me right now. I have grown paranoid, and extra sensitive. And it’s not helping.

I’ve been thinking about so many things lately. That includes death. I trust myself that I won’t do it. I didn’t even want to mention this here. I don’t want sympathy. But I feel the more I hold things back for myself, the harder for me to handle myself. I need to breathe.

You just don’t have the idea how weird it feels to look at the ceiling and think of hanging yourself, to remember that you can hang yourself and die sitting, to take a late night bath and feel like you’re preparing for something, to want to cry but you just can’t do it, to remember how to be strong.

I’m not writing for show. I just want people to understand that I’m just human. I commit mistakes. I always try to be happy. I get frustrated. I get tired. And I understand that I can’t ask the world to be gentle.

I’m not dying soon. Or at least, I wish. I took chances, got overwhelmed with uncertainties, it bumped me off track. I’m on the process of reverting, stay with me, people. Stay with me.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

it was me, not the alcohol.

I feel shitty especially after everything that happened last night. I just don’t get it. I don’t blame the alcohol. I blame friends who tried to play savior. I don’t want people thinking that just because I’m tipsy, it follows that I’m too loose to think for myself. Puta naman.

Oo nga, nandun na tayo. Friends, we love each other like brothers and sisters. But sometimes, let me fall off the cliff. Or let’s jump off the cliff together. Or you can always break my fall. Or after falling together, let’s talk about the experience. ‘Cause friends, sometimes, I need to learn it by myself. I love y’all, but I just have to do things on my own.

But love is solid when I have like 8 out of 10 friends who’ll be willing to catch me after the jump. For that, much love and thanks goes for everybody.

And as for you: I’m an English major. We learned how to analyze sentences on the surface, down to its deep structure. But you know what; there is something in ‘I appreciate your honesty’ that I don’t get. That’s something that you have to spell out for me. And that’s something that I have to be okay with.

I remember bits and pieces. I trust my friends when they try to fill the gap. One question: what’s holding you back?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

touch my hand.


I’m currently listening to Touch My Hand. This is ultimate LSS. I was listening to it from the moment I sat in front of the computer, and it’s 2 am in the morning. It makes me all light and jumpy. It bangs my brain cells. It makes me feel happy.

So common y’all. Let’s sing:




Monday, June 8, 2009

debsoc semplanning.

I never thought of making a bathroom as a common hall. Or to even create one bathroom with two doors connecting two rooms. It’s as amazing as calling a place Malacanan as it shatters the affixed idea of an at least decent palace. Nevertheless, it was fun, because for one, there was the alcohol and two, because we were productive.

Not that I’m proud, but I was an hour late. Call time was 5 am, I arrived at 6. It was because I decided not to sleep anymore, but found myself snatching a quick nap. I woke up at 3:30 am with an unpacked bag. So just imagine the struggle to think what to prioritize first – bath or bag, bath or bag? Then, the morning drivers weren’t too energetic, and aren’t really willing to step on the accelerator. So, there I was late.

The sem planning proper was okay. With a sleeping bag, an uninflated air bed, and a double deck, we were locked up in a room for a whole day. The room had an aircon that froze with ice after hours, that explains the need to defrost to make it function again. And yes, the LCD projector made things worse. It released hot air like a bonfire for those who sat on the floor.

We had lunch and dinner breaks, and breakfast for the morning after. Angelo was our head cook. We also had a bagful of chocolates from Pearl. And I also understand that it was AnaRod’s first time to cook rice and Anna A’s first time to cook corned beef – which was …. Okay, moving on.

I don’t know what time we actually ended. All I know is that I wanted to sleep towards the end, and so I did after Anna thanked us for participating and for being strong and resilient like the bamboo. Okay, part false matter. When I woke up, people were already in the pool, some were just talking in other rooms, and some were living the rockstar life. Read: booze, cigs, and videoke.

And remember what I told you about not puking when drinking? I take it back.

This would probably be my last sem planning with Debsoc, as it is also my first time. It sucks to think that I’m on my last year. But I can always be the alumnus who would grace the next.

The start of classes was moved. That just gave me an extra week of being unproductive. Good thing, I attended this. Cheers for Pansol!

Special thanks to Pearl.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

making it good for memories.

I just finished reading Lean’s entry today. His thoughts on his last year in college, on leaving his family again, on returning to a gloomy Baguio, on what has happened throughout the years, on the idea of ending, is just depressing. His is not that different to mine. It’s my last year in college and there’s that subtle pressure of making it good for memories. It forces me to pause, think, and sigh. Like every good thing, you just can’t help but wish it wouldn’t stop.

It’s depressing too that this is a depressing entry. Emo, at best. With the weather outside and the silent room behind me and this computer, being emo is the default mood for writing. I haven’t finished enrolling yet. This means that today, there’s a high chance to see friends, blockmates, coursemates, even random individuals that I seem to see often, again.

Last year. I’m now counting down the days that I’ll be able to see these faces again within UP. I’ll definitely miss CAL, DECL and the staff that makes it one of best departments in Diliman, my English professors, the Institute of Creative Writing, the Creative Writing professors that I have had, FC and our nook in Galeria 2, random instructors/professors that I love even if I haven’t been under them, classmates turned friends, the CAL librarians, who for the most part are still capable of being nice, our ever loving CAL guards Mang Boy and Mang Amor, Magdangal, Katag, even the chickens! And yes, including Debsoc.

I need to be happy. I have two full semesters ahead of me. This is my last year. I’m clashing head-on. Let’s all make it good.

wask, 'di buo.

Tumangis ako ngunit walang mga luha na magsasabi na sadyang ginawa nga. Naka-upo, nakalupasay, may pagnanais na itigil ang pagkilos sa magulong mundo na ito at hayaan nalang itong uminog hanggang maiwan ako. May pagnanais na maging tulad ng bato sa ilog – nakapirmi at nagmamasid – dahil sa lahat ng ito, seryoso, pagod na ako.

Si Patrick, balahura pero totoo. Sa sobrang totoo, nasaktan ako nung tinanong n’ya, “kailan kita makikitang hindi umaasa?” Sabi ko, “putang ina mo.” Pero siguro habang buhay nalang akong ganito. Kadiri, totoo.

1:30. Bahala na ang ulan lunurin ang pungay ng aking mga mata hanggang malusaw ang bugnot ng gabi. Nang sa pagputok ng umaga makita ng langit ang namumugtong mata. Ngingiti upang ikubli, dali-dali. Isang huwad.

Isa sa mga paraan upang dayain ang pagpapahayag ng damdamin sa pagsusulat: PUTANG INA.

Sa totoong buhay, hindi ako mahilig tumakbo. Pero kanina, takbo ako ng takbo.

Diwang pinagkaitan ng linaw at pagkakaisa, sa watak-watak na pangungusap nagkakasiya. Pilit mang lumikha ng isang buo, bandang huli, bumabagsak rin sa pormang ganito.

Monday, June 1, 2009

bleh.

I fell asleep with Sean on the sofa. I woke up at 3 am and decided that I can’t take it anymore. My back was then hurting and Sean was already occupying most of the space. I wanted to stretch so bad, and so I’ve decided to continue sleeping on my own bed. When I woke up, my back was still hurting, and it hurts even more. And as of typing time, Sean is still sleeping comfortably. I want to wake up the freaking cat for revenge.

Tomorrow is June 2. That means, with the 6 units that I got from the magnificent CRS, my miseries will also start tomorrow. I need 2 MSTs, an AH, and a major. June 3 is another Epistaxis day. June 4 is HS batchmate day. June 5-6 is Debsoc semplanning. June 9 is the start of first semester ‘09-‘10. Oh, how can I possibly rest? I feel so bleh.

My hair is frustrating. It makes me sad. I think I’ll get a haircut today.