summer rain.

I feel love. The summer rain evokes a feel good vibe – something fresh, bountiful, and, I don’t know, wet? It’s one of those times when it’s best to play your chill out music, make a hearty cup of coffee, and write.

It also makes me want to go out – with jacket, umbrella, and slippers on – just to take time to walk and feel the vacant streets. Maybe to hold hands and use the subtle chill as an excuse to cuddle. Or, use that umbrella to catch and meet a new one.

Today’s rain is a bit shy, a bit gentle. It’s as if it’s showing its own brand of restraint. Summer rain, it really amazes me. This is love. I really want to say, I love you. But everything will be off at this point.

I’m taking my time to watch you, to excite myself of something that doesn’t come too often. I’m learning how to be patient. Rushing is fatal. I should know. This is better because it exploits discontentment and puts it under a good light. This is love and I’m full of it.

Sean is still sleeping on the couch. I want to wake him up. But I realized he’s cuter that way. I poked him a couple of times when I woke up. But he won’t move. He looks like a plush doll. I guess he’s staying at home.

But me, it’s time to get moving. I have class until 3pm and I’m done for the week. I want to go out later. But I don’t know where to go. I want to go out later. But I don’t have anyone to go out with. Maybe we can go out together?

Summer rain makes the brain tick differently. I feel love.

for today.

It’s funny how even at this point I’m still hurting. When I thought Fred took over the emo department for his recent heartbreak, here I am again telling him to vacate my office. Or maybe because I have to be this way to continue the Batac legacy and ensure it’ll live forever.

Honestly, this is disgusting. I think it’s uncalled for. And at best, this is really pathetic. But I probably need this. I have to proceed to a higher level of desensitization, of feeling pain until it hurts no more.

I have thought about this. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have agreed to be friends with you again (even if from the onset this was what I really wanted). I should have changed my number so you won’t be able to reach me anymore. But no, you even had the guts to give me your new number and update me with your life. Something that I regret that I have willfully accepted.

I just wish that you’ll realize that it’s still not fine with me when you talk about your new one. Why? Because I don’t care. The only point when I’ll care about you and the new one, is when your relationship starts to crumble, and me being the good friend that I am, will tell you that it’s fine while I’ll laugh at your back and enjoy this wondrous moment. And then, I start to sound bitter.

Eh bakit ba naman kasi ang hirap ma-achieve ng happiness? Fuck, what a question.

To be fair, I always have the option to pester you back. I know how to, remember? But this is my chance to prove that I’m the better person. I’m taking this chance. I’ll rise above you.

This is enough meditation for today. Imma get busy with a friend. O ‘di naman kaya, magpapabarya nalang ako (na medyo imposible kasi ang elusive ng coins). Or, I’ll just memorize my Shakespeare lines because midterms is on Wednesday (which is like, tomorrow). And I think that’s better.

P.S.: It's not the case of me still in love with you. It's a simple play of shoulds, woulds, and coulds. Come think of it, I was a damn good lover. Self-absorbed, I know. But like a phantasma, you just can't deny it.

P.P.S.: I woke up today happy - yes, a bit hurting, but am sure damn happy.

driving passion.

Passion is an all too powerful drive. It can make you do things you won’t usually do. And most of the time, these things are the same things you’ll regret when passion subsides.

Anger, for example, is a strong feeling of extreme displeasure. When mixed with alcohol, it can cause a husband to hit his wife. Husband gets sober and tells her, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to”. Lust, a strong sexual desire, can push you to screw the one you like. But when you contract STD or get her pregnant, I bet you’ll regret everything. And love, a strong feeling of affection, can enable you to do so many things – even death. But even if you regret things, you know it still stands. The act was done and it can’t be undone.

Control is important. There is a value in restraint. But nobody said it was easy – a line from The Scientist. If everything was, we’ll all be living in a happy world.

Passion is infinite. Control is not. When Control dies, Passion continues. And we’ll go back searching for the person we want to be. When we think we already found the one, we’ll realize that that person is not the one we want to be. Because like Passion, discontentment is infinite.

Oftentimes, we’ll regret Passion. But this thing that we regret is the same, exact thing that we’ll all need to continue to live, to survive. That’s what makes Passion an all too powerful drive. This piece ends here because Control is important.

mga bagay na dapat mong malaman.

1. Pag-gising ko isang umaga, napag-isip-isip ko, wala na rin pala talaga akong pakialam sayo.
2. May mga bagay na hindi na mababago at mababawi.
3. Kung kinailangan ipilit, ibig sabihin 'di tugma mula sa simula.
4. May konsepto ako ng pinaglumaan.
5. Kasama sa mga plano ko sa buhay ang mag-move on. Subukan mo isama yan sa mga plano mo. Sabi kasi nila maganda raw yun. Try mo lang.

mary left.

Today the old ladies took Mary away. The same Mary to whom I gave deep red mums. The same Mary my family prayed to night after night for one week. The same Mary who, I think, was here years ago.

Being Catholics, we receive these kinds of things to our home. In some weird sense, though not explicitly admitted, it’s a way of testing faith and adherence to the teachings. It’s being open to these devout people when all of sudden the image of Mary, The Virgin, doesn’t have any home to go after the last house. In its crudest sense, it’s sheltering the homeless.

I’ve always been skeptical of people. I believe that for every intention lies another subliminal intention. In this case, it’s the envelope. Enclosed within is a sheet of paper asking for petitions. But we’re not dumb. My parents know we have to put some amount with it.

Mama asked me if I have any petitions. I told her to put Pres. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, to ask for them to pray for the welfare of the Philippines, to pray for the oppressed farmers, and to ask the old ladies to pray for themselves. You know, for them to have the continuous drive to do things, and I don’t know, even enlightenment. Of course, I wasn’t taken seriously.

Before they took Mary away, they had this sort of ceremony. They sang songs and let Mama read the Gospel. I thought it would end there. But they asked my mom to share her “understanding” of the reading. Kemlar, kemlar. Then the ladies took turns in sharing their reflections. Claps every after turn. One of the old ladies even managed to tieback her reflection to the “essence” of their charismatic group and the “relevance” of their deeds. It took them a while to finish. Ang daming kemez. May collection pa! But don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying they’re fake. I’m just not a fan of theatrics especially when praying.

They also gave Mama this sheet of paper to fill out. One item was asking for any miracle that happened to us. Mama turned to me for answer. I told her, “’wag ka na mag-imbento kung wala.” Of course I know everyday is a miracle in our life. But what’s the point of asking if any miracle happened to us? A form of divine assessment?

I was typing this entry during the whole ceremony. Apparently, one lady was loitering outside while the rest of her sisters were busy doin dur thang. She peeked through the window and saw me. I was offended and felt I was judged for not participating. So I gave back an offensive stare. I was supposed to ask if her sole purpose was to consume the snacks we’ve prepared. Good thing she went back to the group. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying they’re fake. But when you’re with a group that has every intention to pray, sister, just pray.

Finally, when they were recounting how the image of The Virgin ended up at our house one of them said:
Kemez 1: Buti nalang po tinanggap n’yo kemez kemez… ‘Di tulad nung iba, tulad nalang nila Sister Meding (our neighbor), pinagtataguan si Mama Mary.

Ay! Kamusta naman sa judgment?!

Today the old ladies took Mary away. And the old ladies were with Mary when they left. Bow.

missing pi ay di si*.

I woke up early today to write about PIDC 2009. But I feel so bleh. My first sentence was really disgusting. So this is what you have now – random thoughts to fill the urge to create an entry.

This sounds really chaka (as we put it), but I think I miss it. I miss the people. I just enjoyed seeing everyone. Judge me, but kebs. I’ll say it anyways. I miss the Ateneo presence. I also miss seeing people from UP Manila, from STC Cebu, and one or two from UP Baguio.

I miss the issues, the drama, the burst of ego masked by each team’s “institution pride”. I miss the everyday UP Diliman huddle, the prayer addressed to no one in particular but to the Higher Being (yes, we know how to pray), ended every time with a roaring “UP Fight”. I miss carrying stuff – huge boxes, coolers, and bundled papers alike – for making me realize that I’m really a strong person. Chosss lang!

I’m really proud of UP Diliman for the full break and for the championship. Other institutions will refute, but our Higher Being knows that we were also competing with the guidance of the “Saint of Fair Play”. I’m proud of Teenahips, of Paolo, of Maan, of Angelo Kalaw, of Marc Batac, and especially of Mikee (first time to compete and yet, grabbed the 10th Best Adjudicator recognition). I’m proud of UPD B, C, D, E, F, especially of Team A (PIDC 09 Champion). I’m proud of the PIDC 2009BOD. I’m proud of the support staff. And yes, I’m proud of me for reasons I don’t even know. Chosss take two!

Now that PIDC over, I’m forced to face my readings on Rizal and Shakespeare, to attend classes, to take exams, and to deliver reports, and be partially deprived of social life due to acads. I wish it was PIDC allover again because I feel “emptiness” (Batac, 2009). But I’ll stop at that. Baka ma-guest pa ako sa bagong show sa Channel N – Paki-realize with Jowee and Sam.

I miss PIDC. I miss a lot of things about it. But, I’ll end here. I have class in a couple of hours and I still need to read.

Cheers for Love! (huh?)

*PIDC, Philippine Inter-Collegiate Debating Championship.

notes on relationship.

For a relationship to be a relationship, two entities must be present. Absence of another spells fail. Even the dictionary defines “relationship” as the state of being interrelated.

Relationships are also based on the idea of reciprocity. One of the members of the relationship will initiate an action, the other needs to deliver a response (not necessarily a reaction, something noncanonical) and vice versa.

Some relationships are healthy, some are not. A decaying body-soil relationship is healthy, a mussel-barnacle relationship is not.

Occurrences in a relationship will revolve on what is natural. So that when you throw a chicken in a pool of two alligators, don’t expect one of the alligators to be philanthropic. It is natural for them to fight and struggle to get that whole chicken for themselves. In the same way that when one initiates a fight, with accusations being thrown and all, don’t expect the other to pray the novena for the intercession of the angels and saints. If you want a fight, then you will get a fight. It is just natural.

In a relationship, it is possible to love and stop there – devoid of any labels, commitments, and shit.

In any relationship, there is a fine line that exists between being sensitive and being assuming. Remember: Do not assume unless stated. Avoid pain.

Are you in a relationship?

Relationships thrive on the presence of one another. The urge to be together will always be present. But sometimes LESS is MORE. The less time you see each other, the more you value time when you’re together.

They say everybody deserves a second chance. Relationships will pass through rough roads, but if you want to make it last, give him/her another chance. But if that’s the case, does it mean that we’re free to waste our first chance?

We always search for the ideal girl/guy. But my Religion teacher back in high school said that we’ll only meet failure every time. So what’s the point of searching? He said that the ideal girl/guy doesn’t exist in real life. It exists up there. It can never be attained. What we should do is to search for that person who can best approximate our ideals. A call to be realistic. This reminds me of Plato.

Rafael had a girlfriend. Until one day, his girlfriend came up to him and said, “I told him I like him.” She was referring to another guy. They broke up. In theory, two entities must be present to be in a relationship. In practice, it is possible to have one entity is in a relationship, while the other flutters like a butterfly.

When relationships end, should it really end?

Or like endings, should we expect something else?

*boy or girl?

Michael graduated salutatorian yesterday. Instead of delivering a salutatory address of some sort, he just led the pledge. I won’t lie that I had this illusion of writing him another speech. But then again, the school decided to do something else this year. So, fail. I have to be okay with that.

As expected, I had no value all throughout the ceremony. I didn’t even have a reserved seat. Both of our parents were going up and down the stage for different awards. Mariel was with Michael’s girlfriend. Good thing Kath and Lean came to watch with me. We had fun “constructively criticizing” the graduates (makeup, hairdo, and valedictory address included), the parents, the ceremony itself, and our former schoolmates who came.

The whole ceremony started at 4 pm with a Baccalaureate Mass and ended at 10 pm. No exaggerations. So after the whole thing, our next problem was where to eat.

My suggestion was to go home, sleep, and celebrate tomorrow. Their’s was to scout for an open restaurant and celebrate ASAP. We found one, Max’s. But my brother has this thing of not eating in restaurants where there’s another graduate celebrating. We had to find another one. It was around 11 pm.

We ended up in the most prestigious place where a graduate can eat and celebrate – Burby’s/Tapa King.

Michael’s girlfriend was supposed to come. Later on my brother explained why she can’t. I’d rather not share why, because he’ll hate me again for not taking it/her reason seriously. I tagged Lean and Kath with me. They’re family, my parents should know that.

I could have chosen to spend the rest of the night with Kath and Lean – drink and party somewhere, get wasted, and celebrate. But we all needed to go home. One, I don’t want Kath to go home drunk. She just asked her parents to watch my brother’s graduation with me. Two, I just snatched Lean from a “meeting” he had with a classmate. I think his parents didn’t even know that I was with him. Three, I still had school requirements waiting to be finished. How unfortunate.

Back to my brother: I’m not sure if he already has a definite plan on where to go to college. From the last time I wrote an entry about him, he had a 360 decision spin on what he wants to do with the rest of his life. From taking premed and continuing medicine, to engineering. He’s definitely not going to UP. He failed to get into a program. It was all premed, that’s why. Talk about, first choice: Nursing, UP Manila; second choice was, I think, Physical Therapy, UP Manila; then BS Psychology, UP Diliman; and finally, some premed quota course, UP Diliman. Great. A sure ball fail.

Last time I heard, he’s going to MIT. Not where Noam Chomsky is to be found, but in Mapua. They brag to have pioneered the quarter system/term in the country. Meaning, a five-year course can be finished in four, a four-year course in three to three and a half. But let’s extend the analysis.

A quarter term program would only mean paying tuition fee four times in one academic year. You can now deduce reasons why I don’t want this to happen. But in one word: MAHAL. It’s a financial hurdle for me, inasmuch as it is my family’s. The global recession is far from over.

We all still have roughly two months to plan and strategize. My initial suggestion is for Michael to enter MIT and shift to UP after a year. My parents doubt the idea.

Like most of my entries, I don’t know how to end this one. So, I’ll just show you our parking lot shots instead.

*sometimes, titles, like labels, are irrelevant.