eng'g, magpakatotoo ka.

When one hears the word “engineering”, these are the things that come into mind: men, gears, engines, bolts, steel, cement, wires, hard labor, ground, okay maybe chemicals, and the list goes on. Inasmuch as I wanted to be gender fair, the idea of women doesn’t really figure in the picture. Don’t ask why, because I don’t know either.

But that’s not the point of this entry. I was thinking that if I share this perception with the rest of the people around me, then maybe there is enough reason to believe that male engineering students are afraid to assert their gender, even if they’re so sure with it or even admit to themselves that they’re confused, because the nature of the college and its courses is so alpha-male. After that sentence, you probably know where this entry is going.

Let’s talk about engineering students and their fear to not be straight.

I know someone. He’s gay. I don’t know if a lot of people know it. But he’s not my friend. He just happened to be an ex-boyfriend of a friend that’s how I came to know his nature. He doesn’t look gay. Nowadays, that’s a good thing. Because if you do, chances are, you’ll be getting loads of judgments. But anyways, he’s never shy to be gay. When he and my friend was still together, they took a lot of pictures. And you’ll know that they were a couple. He is from the College of Engineering. He is gay, never ashamed of it.

I know someone. I know within him he’s having doubts about his gender. Or maybe he’s sure and just tries to hide it. He tries so hard, as in sooo hard, to act straight. But the thing is, the more you try, the more you expose yourself. I mean, you don’t need to talk about porn like “putang ina, ang laki nung boobs nung blah blah blah” Like, riiiigght. I don’t know about other people, but I sure know if one is faking it. He is from the College of Engineering. He’s afraid to admit (even to himself) because he’s from the freaking College of Engineering.

I’m not expecting engineering student #2 to confirm to me his gender. All I’m asking is for him to be himself. If you like watching men doing it on film, then so what? You don’t need to tell me you do. Just watch what you like and stop telling me how big were the boobs of the woman from the last porn you saw. You know for a fact that you were more interested in guys. Stop the game of pretense, pare. I’m getting sick of it.

The mistake of those who reached epiphany is that they always feel the need to announce to the public that they’re not straight. As if they are looking for a form of validation, but are afraid to be judged. Who said they needed validation? Who liked judgments, anyways?

Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe he’s sure of his gender. Maybe he’s really straight. But that’s not even the point.

Let’s assume that engineering student #2 is really straight. Then why act macho in front of the engineering crowd, just to slip and hint clues of your true self once they all go away? Let’s just repeat. Stop the game of pretense, pare. Kadiri na, eh.

Engineering student #2 you don’t need to be engineering student #1. Cliché, be yourself. I think that’s better. You’ll probably be happier. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be the next Bebe Gandanghari. Or are you just waiting for your mariposa to come? I’ll bring one, just tell me. Just stop the game of pretense, pare.